Leaving an Abuser Safely: A Step-by-Step Guide

Leaving an abusive relationship is one of the most dangerous times for a survivor. Preparation and safety planning are critical. This guide provides actionable steps to help you leave safely and start rebuilding your life.

1. Recognizing the Need to Leave

Leaving an abuser isn’t just about escaping a toxic relationship—it’s about survival. If you feel controlled, threatened, or physically harmed, your safety is at risk. You deserve a life free from fear.

2. Safety Planning Before You Leave

Gather Important Documents – Make copies of or safely store your identification, birth certificates, social security cards, financial records, medical records, and any protective orders. Put them in a Go-Bag if you can. Hide them/the bag in your home if you don't think it will be found, or at work, a family member's house, your church, etc.
Secure a Safe Place – Identify a domestic violence shelter or another safe location to stay where your abuser cannot find you.
Prepare a Go-Bag (an Emergency Bag) – Pack essentials like extra clothes, medications, your important documents, emergency cash, and a burner phone (if possible).
Create a Code Word - If you want, you can create a secret phrase to alert trusted family or friends if you need immediate help. I have always struggled with this - coming up with something that seems normal (so that I don't alert my abuser) while not being something I would normally say- but you do you boo.
Your Plans are Need To Know – Even well-meaning family or friends could accidentally disclose your intentions.

3. Protecting Your Digital Footprint

Erase Search History – If researching shelters, legal aid, or safety plans online, clear your browsing history regularly. Better yet, use someone else's computer (the library's or a friend's).
Turn Off Location Services – Your phone and social media can show your location. Disable these settings or leave your phone behind if you suspect tracking.
Create a New Email – Use these only for safe communications.
Get a New Phone and Number - If you can, I always encourage women to get a new phone. It doesn't have to be expensive, just get something with service that you can prepay for.

4. Getting Legal and Financial Help

Protective Orders – Seek a restraining order if your state allows emergency filings, as PART of your whole safety plan, not as your safety plan. A protection order alone is not enough.
Contact a Domestic Violence Advocate – Many shelters and organizations offer legal aid, financial assistance, and housing support.
Open a Separate Bank Account – If possible, open an account at a different bank and store small amounts of money over time.

5. Leaving When It’s Safe

Choose the Safest Time – You know your abuser and you will know when it is safest to leave. If it's possible, leave when your abuser is away.
Ask for an Escort – Sometimes police will come there and escort you to safety. I'm not sure if all police do this, but it's definitely worth asking about!

6. Securing Your Safety After Leaving

Change Locks and Secure Your Home – If your abuser knows where you live, increase your security measures, and consider moving altogether.
Update Your Routine – Change work routes, daily schedules, and avoid familiar places.
Only Inform Trusted People – Only share your new address with those who absolutely need to know.

7. Seeking Emotional and Community Support

Leaving is just the beginning of your healing journey. Seek out:

Support Groups – Many domestic violence organizations offer in-person and online support.
Counseling Services – Therapy can help process trauma and build self-worth.
Faith-Based Support – If you are spiritual, connect with a supportive faith community that understands abuse dynamics.

You Are Not Alone

Leaving an abuser is courageous and can be life-saving. Many, many other women and men have done this too. Many, many people out there understand what you've been through. Reach out and find them! You can contact domestic violence hotlines, Facebook groups, and trusted friends for support. You deserve a life free from fear!

For immediate assistance, call 911.

For additional support, we have a couple of free resources that might help!

the Does He Scare You Quiz - find out how dangerous your abuser is (how likely to kill you he might be)
the Will He Kill Me Webinar - teaches more about threat assessment and basic safety