How to Talk to Your Kids About an Abusive Parent: A Compassionate and Honest Approach

When your child has an abusive parent, one of the hardest challenges is knowing what to say. You want to protect them, but you can’t always shield them from the reality of the situation. You need to be honest, but in an age appropriate way. And the way you talk about their other parent matters—they love the other parent too (to some extent) and they see themselves through the lens of their parents.

So how do you have this difficult conversation with truth, wisdom, and love? Here’s a guide to help.

1. Be Honest, But Age-Appropriate

Keyword: how to talk to kids about an abusive parent

Children understand relationships differently at different ages. Tailor your approach to match their level of maturity and ability to process complex emotions.

What You Can Do:

✔ For younger kids (ages 3-7): Keep explanations simple. Example: "Sometimes Daddy/Mommy makes choices that aren’t safe. My job is to keep you safe."

✔ For older kids (ages 8-12): Introduce emotional awareness. Example: "It’s okay to love someone and also be hurt by their actions. What you feel matters."

✔ For teens (13+): Be more direct while still offering support. Example: "Your other parent struggles with anger and control. That’s not your fault, and you’re not responsible for it or for fixing it."

Watch for: If your child starts blaming themselves for the abusive parent’s actions.

2. Be Honest—But Avoid Speaking with Hate

It’s tempting to vent your frustration about your ex, but kids need honesty without bitterness or blame. Badmouthing them can harm your child. Children often internalize criticism of a parent as criticism of themselves. Instead of focusing on what’s “wrong” with the other parent, focus on how their behavior affects your child.

What You Can Do Instead:

✔ Focus on facts, not personal attacks (“Your dad is struggling with anger,” not “Your dad is a terrible person.”).

✔ Separate the behavior from the person (“The things they did were not okay,” rather than “They are evil.”).

✔ Identify the effects on the child ("I see that he makes choices that hurt you, and I want you to know that’s not your fault." not "Your dad is a narcissist who doesn’t care about anyone but himself.")

✔ Teach what healthy love looks like so they can recognize toxic patterns.

Avoid: Saying things like “They don’t love you”—even if it feels true. That can be deeply damaging to a child’s self-esteem.

Watch for: A child who starts repeating toxic language about the other parent because they feel caught in the middle. You don't want to put your child into a situation where they think they need to hate the other parent in order to not lose you.

3. Reassure Them That the Abuse (and the end of your relationship/marriage) is Not Their Fault

Many kids internalize abuse and believe they did something wrong to cause it. They often believe that if they behaved better, the abusive parent wouldn’t get angry, leave, or hurt them. Your job is to consistently reinforce that it was not their fault.

What You Can Say:

✔ “Nothing you did made this happen.”

✔ “It’s not your job to fix or change your dad.”

✔ “It’s not your job to make either of us happy. Our happiness is our own responsibility."

✔ "You are not responsible for your dad’s actions. Grown-ups make their own choices."

✔ “You are loved, and I will always do my best to keep you safe.”

Watch for: A child who constantly tries to "be good" in hopes of changing the abusive parent.

Avoid: Suggesting that if the child had behaved differently, the abuse wouldn’t have happened.

4. Validate Their Feelings—All of Them

Kids often have conflicting emotions about an abusive parent. They might feel love, anger, confusion, or even guilt. Children may still love and miss their abusive parent—even if they were hurt by them. That’s normal. Instead of shutting down those emotions, help them process their feelings. All of their feelings are valid.

What You Can Do:

✔ If they say "I love Dad, but I hate when he yells," respond with: "That makes sense. You can love someone and still not like everything they do."

✔ If they say "Dad says you’re lying about him," respond with: "I know this is confusing. You don’t have to choose sides—I will always be here to help you figure out your feelings."

What You Can Say:

✔ “It’s okay to love someone and also feel hurt by them.”

✔ “You don’t have to choose between loving them and loving me.”

✔ “You have a right to your feelings, and I will always listen.”

Avoid: Saying things like “You shouldn’t love them after what they did.” That creates shame instead of healing.

Watch for: A child who shuts down emotionally and refuses to talk about the other parent at all.

5. Let Them Know They Can Always Talk to You

Your child needs to know they have a safe place to talk, cry, or vent without judgment. This needs to extend beyond what you say to how you act. You can't just tell them that they can talk to you, you need to be someone they are safe to talk to. That means not overreacting (and sometimes not reacting at all). It takes effort, but you can do it! (Tip: For you, vent to a trusted adult about your child's feelings and how they effect you. For your child, be the trusted adult.) Even if they don’t open up right away, keep reminding them that you’re always there.

What You Can Do:

✔ Make casual check-ins part of everyday life—not just serious talks. Example: "How was your day? Anything on your mind?"

✔ If they shut down, say: "You don’t have to talk now. I’m here when you’re ready."

✔ Encourage them to write in a journal if talking feels too hard. (Writing can be easier than talking.)

Watch for: A child who isolates themselves, avoids talking, or starts acting out in anger or sadness.

Final Thoughts

Talking to your child about an abusive parent isn’t easy, but it’s necessary. Not talking about it leave your child to try to figure it all out on their own. If you don't help them to understand that their parent is an adult who is responsible for their own behavior, for example, then your child can grow up believing that the abuse and the break up of their family was their fault. We don't want that. The goal isn’t to turn them against the other parent—it’s to help them process their emotions, set boundaries, and feel safe.