Personal note: I know that I haven't done well at updating blog posts. I apologize. I'm working on improving my service to you all. I got away from everything in part because of some stuff at home, but much more because the guy who has been stalking me in person was also monitoring my online activity and I didn't want to give him anything. I have always cared about your health and safety, but I needed to act in my own safety. Thank you for your understanding! Now on to my rant...
I have recently been made aware that a couple that I am acquainted with IRL has a domestic violence element to their relationship and it has caused me to do a lot of thinking. I have considered their upbringing. They both come from turbulent backgrounds. I would say that both are fairly uneducated. They're young, probably mid to early 20's. And they have several kids, with different partners.
When I was first made aware of the element of domestic violence in their relationship, I was told that he is verbally abusive towards her. She can't do anything right according to him. Then, I was made aware that she had an affiar and now he doesn't trust her to go anywhere without him. In fact, it seems that he now controls her movement.
It got very real for me, however, when I was told that he has threatened to kill both her and the baby she's carrying, who was a result of the affair. I understand him being angry and hurt about being cheated on. It would be unhealthy if he wasn't. But we can be hurt and angry, even pissed, and NEVER threaten someone's life.
I don't know these people well at all, but I know someone the woman had reached out to for emotional support. According to that person, the woman is concerned and doesn't like the situation, but she has decided to stay because the man makes the money and she doesn't believe she can make it without him.
Because she is willing to stay with him, the person she reached out to cut ties with her, to protect theirself and their own family from the continuous drama and potential violence of being involved in their combustable relationship.
Since I have done the research and read the stories, I am really concerned for the woman's life and the life of the baby she carries. Because I am not in a place where I can really interject myself into their lives, I brought my concerns to a few people that I work with, all of whom work in areas that are relevant to this situation.
They brought up the couple's upbringing, their parenting, her affair, his seeming lack of ability to care about their relationship, and his seeming hatred for his wife. Yet, I was told that if anyone in the relationship is abusive, it's her abusing him. I was told that they are mutually destructive. I was reminded that I am a mandatory reporter if I find out about a child being abused, but basically told that even though we can see these adults speeding toward a brick wall, we should let them crash. They're adults in America after all. They have the right to make their own choices.
Why do we, as a society, care so little? Why isn't this a bigger issue to most people? Why is it ok for someone we know, who says they love us, to threaten our lives, but it's terroristic threats if it comes from a stranger?
I have shot off my mouth before and said that was going to kill someone for something that they did and never even remotely meant that I would take someone's life. How would they know that? They know through context. I wouldn't joke about that with someone who didn't know me well and know that I wouldn't actually take someone's life because they made me mad. (To write and admit that I've joked that way at all makes me sick, but I haven't always been aware of the things I am now and I know that people joke that way all of the time.)
How does this all apply to you?
Well, are you in an abusive relationship? If you're not sure, you can find out here.
If you are, how much power over you does your partner currently have? Are you living together? Do you depend on their money? Do you have one or more children together? Have they effectively isolated you from people who would be your support system?
If you are in an abusive relationship, but it's not to the level where they are threatening your life and you believe they will do it, how can you take back power in your relationship? Can you get a job? Can you complete school? Can you being seeing a counselor or attending some type of support group? Can you start making the other relationships in your life (family and friends) a priority again?
Do you feel like your life is in danger? The number one sign that your life is in danger by your partner is that you believe that it is. Context will tell you if you are in danger or not. Context = your experiences with your partner, their history, their behavior, their beliefs, etc.
If there is a threat to your life, please reach out to the National Domestic Violence Hotline's website or call 1-800-799-7233 or you can text LOVEIS to 1-866-331-9474. Someone there will help you create a plan for your safety.
Much love,
